me(n)

At one point in life after 3 years of ending the day with meditation, I thought I had fully understood what self-love is and that I'd never give up my dignity in the name of love ever again. Nevertheless, my heart still aches terribly and my mind wanders to the deepest abyss there is scrutinising what I do wrong whenever a man does not turn out to be what he promises, when he leads the direction of the relationship to one side and runs away to the other. 

That's how I learn to practice detachment and perceive things the way it is in order to safeguard this four-chambered organ of mine, while making it a safe haven for the abundant love I've spared to that "someone" but myself. However, because I know how hard I'll fall again I keep on reminding myself that I can only control what's within my power and that whatever I feel and however I react are my responsibility, not the other person's. 

Of course it's not plain sailing that I sometimes forget this rule I've set for myself and get affected by it from time to time, but lately I've been feeling much lighter when I trust myself to just be present and seize the now.  I then find my mind isn't focusing solely on men, but me(n) myself. I start to feel happier and content with what I have. Then I tell myself that, perhaps this is what self-love is. Although if it isn't, I can say that I've experienced a glimpse of it - it's tranquillising and it's enough.

someday

Have you ever been in situations where you are not where you want to be, situations where you know you can be better than what you have accomplished at that juncture of life, where you are well aware of the path that you should not be taking but you walk down it anyway?

It is when this inclination emerges itself: the desire to be the best version of yourself in quenching your thirst to prove yourself to those who occasionally doubt your abilities, or simply to open those judging eyes for them to see what they are missing while they were constantly busy stacking you on the "non-important" section of their lives when your world revolves around them. 

You tell yourself,

"Someday, I will be successful enough, rich enough, pretty enough, famous enough, that will spark this remorse inside them for not appreciating me when they had me right on their very palms. Instead, they blew me away together with debris in the air. I will become all that they ever want and on that moment I will be too happy with my life that they do not matter anymore, just someday."

Scrutinizing your thought process on what goes wrong that you deserve this heap of black mass of dejection on your back, you find that actually, there is no one to blame but you. You disrespect yourself in the first place that you pin your self-validation on other people. You think your happiness would not come into existence without the help of others, when in fact you are the one and only who are responsible for your very own contentment. One does not degrade themselves by transferring the power of controlling their life to other people because that is against the nature. It is your canvas to be painted on. 

Then you realise, this grief that you feel is a blessing. Without it, you would not arrive to this point that leads you to the realisation that you, are enough. It makes you rethink, rearrange, and restart fresh in life. Your priority now is not to be better to certify your worth to others but for yourself. 

To be at peace with yourself, is now your lifetime goal. The universe will conspire for as long as you believe in yourself. 

FEB 26th, 2019

Just so you know
anagapesis isn't such a bad thing.
You might think that you're the problem
that your connection with another human being
whom you so desperately want to love
does not last.

But know that it is a wake up call
for you to let go of things that aren't meant
to be yours: for however "right" the person is
if the chemistry and timing are wrong
then that person altogether is the wrong person
for you.